Roast Station
Every Roast, Properly Filed.
636 roasts in the newsroom so far. This page is the real browse surface: paginated, filterable, and built to keep the archive readable instead of pretending to be a second homepage.
Collins Ego Meter Spikes at 10,000 Straight Votes
The Maine Republican's unbroken streak becomes a re-election flex that grows more detached with every paragraph.
Viral Horror Filmmaker Phillips Trades Clicks for WME
PR frames the SXSW bow as a launchpad; really it's a debut feature chasing agency packaging after the short blew up.
OnlyFans Divorce Audit: Cryptic Message Scores Zero
A formal review of the personality's post-split statement uncovers zero new details and maximum vagueness.
Burnham's Leadership Audited: Makerfield By-Election or Bust
Greater Manchester mayor files paperwork for a contest that demands he first win a seat most candidates treat like a booby prize.
Court Lets SEC Grab Ill-Gotten Gains Without Victim Loss
Unanimously, the justices reminded corporate wrongdoers that profits from fraud don't need a sad investor to get clawed back.
Absurdity Audit: Meta Flunks Its Own Ban Process Exam
Oversight board demands transparency after years of opaque account bans and AI determinations nobody can question.
Absurdity Audit: Hyperscalers Finally Tackle Their Water Mess
Operators swear they're fixing availability and quality while guzzling billions of gallons for AI.
Everest 'Miracle' Self-Rescue: Sherpa Found Crawling by Cleaners
Six days missing at altitude gets rebranded as divine grit while reality shows a guy dragging himself toward camp.
Dow Record Highs Mask Chipmakers' AI Retreat
Broadcom's underwhelming outlook triggers a 'rotation' that Wall Street calls strategy and everyone else calls running for the exits.
Markets Hail 'Peace' From a Ceasefire With an Asterisk
Treasuries rose as investors spun a conditional ceasefire into Iran optimism, ignoring the clashes still running in the background.
LinkedIn Ego Meter Climbs Into Influencer Territory
Celebrities and paid influencers have transformed the career-focused platform into performance art where the job is pretending the job is posting
SpaceX's $75 Billion IPO: AI Buzzword Edition
Historic debut or just another mega-listings grab dressed up with artificial intelligence to juice the valuation.
Absurdity Audit: War 'Concluded' While Missiles Launch
Secretary assures lawmakers the cease-fire holds as Iran turns the region into target practice.
USDA Detects Flesh-Eating Fly at US-Mexico Border
Officials frame a potential screwworm breach as routine paperwork instead of the nightmare parasite scenario it actually is.
Qi2 Batteries Sell 25W Wireless Charging as Progress
New certified models magnetically snap to iPhone yet still lose to any decent cable you already own
Scorsese's AI Embrace Won't Birth the Next Goodfellas
An 83-year-old Oscar-winner joins a German tech firm and suddenly filmmaking's future is rewritten in press releases.
Partial Ceasefire: Code for 'Rockets Still Flying'
Israeli strikes and Hezbollah responses turn Monday's agreement into the world's most optimistic PR release.
Instagram Alerts Victims After AI Chatbot Hands Accounts to Hackers
Meta claims the AI-powered fix worked, yet hackers appeared to drain accounts anyway and Instagram is now 'notifying' everyone involved.