Roast Station
Every Roast, Properly Filed.
636 roasts in the newsroom so far. This page is the real browse surface: paginated, filterable, and built to keep the archive readable instead of pretending to be a second homepage.
All-Time Stock Highs Ride Trump's Iran 'Rapid Pace'
Markets frame vague presidential updates on Iran and recycled AI enthusiasm as a breakthrough, because concrete progress would be too much to ask.
Anthropic Files Paperwork and Calls It a Milestone
The 'official' securities commission submission turns speculation into the polite fiction that growth requires an audience of investors.
Absurdity Audit: Snyder's Escape Remake Flunks Inspection
StudioCanal's hot package lands on the wrong side of Carpenter's lean classic.
Giants Announce Beckham Signing to 'Boost' WR Room
PR calls it a savvy addition while reality serves up another nostalgia tax on fans who forgot what year it is.
Israel's Evacuation Order Is Military PR for 'Clear the Block'
Iran and Israel trade threats while everyone pretends 'retaliatory' still means something precise.
Arsenal Victory Parade Audit: Streets of Delayed Payoff
Hundreds of thousands of fans celebrate a Premier League title that took 22 years to arrive.
Audacious Refashioning: Carmen Turns Murderous Kids Fare
Music gets buried while hot-blooded mayhem tries to sing for the under-10 crowd.
Absurdity Audit: Feeble Little Horse's bitknot Distortion Mess
The review claims modern edge but mostly delivers blown-out indie sludge with cleaner riffs nobody asked for.
Joby Demoed Its Electric Aircraft Over Manhattan—Seats Still Empty
Start-ups and the administration pitch helicopter replacements that look futuristic until regulators demand actual proof they won't crash.
Grifters, Cynics, True Believers: Vaccine History's Endless Family Feud
New book maps opponents across centuries like a reunion nobody RSVP'd to, exposing the same recycled excuses repackaged as deep thought.
Blumhouse-Atomic Ego Meter Climbs to Industry Savior Mode
Horror vets frame their latest obsession as a generational reset while the meter ticks toward full Disney delusion.
Bungie Marathon Audit: 185 Hours Bought One Raid-Style Win
Player collected six rares, achieved the clear, and felt the weight leave their shoulders—then Bungie called it progress.
Absurdity Audit: 10k Attorneys Stage Striking Departure From Agencies
Federal legal talent bolts in record numbers, leaving administration offices hollow while advocacy groups feast on the remains.
Valve Turned Their Controller Into a One-Man Cover Band
Because nothing screams innovation like a Steam device performing Mario while the actual hardware issues sit unaddressed.
Italy's Audit Flags West Concerts as Security Risks
Authorities treat prior cancellations as proof that new shows will fail the safety test.
Art TVs Get 'Notable' Discounting While Staying Stupid Expensive
Woot spins Hisense CanvasTV and Samsung Frame as your new favorites at 40% off, because nothing exposes corporate bullshit like TVs priced like actual paintings.
Valve's Controller Performing Mario While Ignoring Actual Problems
PR calls the rumble motor a concert; reality says it's still a half-baked input device dodging its own launch failures
Meta's AI Pendant Escalates Neck-Based Paranoia
Reportedly developing hardware that tracks your every thought like a jealous ex with venture capital.